


Eine Sache des Vertrauens [A Matter of Trust]

by firewolfsg



Category: Weiß Kreuz
Genre: Bondage, Child Death, Friendship/Love, Loss of Trust, M/M, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 18:02:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firewolfsg/pseuds/firewolfsg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Fäden aus Mondlicht by Chalcedony Cross and written with her permission.</p><p>After the events in Fäden aus Mondlicht, Youji comes to realise what he's done. But will he be able to reach Aya, who has sought 'protection' from outside Weiß after that traumatic night...</p><p>Fic Setting: Takes place ~ two months after the start of the Manga.</p><p>Finished: June 2001</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Why isn't Aya-san here today?"

That question rang out in the Koneko no Sumu Ie for maybe the one-hundredth time that morning. Omi again quickly made excuses for the absence of their redhead colleague. The young blonde hadn't the slightest idea why Aya hadn't accompanied Youji and Ken back from the safehouse the previous afternoon. Youji only offered a noncommittal snort that the man, as usual, had his solitary reasons. Ken, though, feigned ignorance. He knew more than he let on.

/He still won't look me in the eye./ Ken brooded on his thoughts as he threw a glance at where Youji was artfully, though with some impairment to his usual ease, fielding the chattering school girls. /Guilt. It's as plain as if it's written over his forehead. Guess, he really didn't mean to hurt Aya. I-- didn't mean to either./

Unbidden, an image flashed in his mind's eye of Aya blindfolded, bound with wire and pinned to the rusty grate of the window. Hanging in the midst of the lightly billowing strips of white curtains that appeared to tease and caress the pale expense of naked flesh. Bright ribbons of blood trailing down his side from the wounds on his arm. Wounds that Ken had himself caused when he lashed out at Aya after the stress of that mission, though the brunette would insist that it was unintentional. Again, as with every time Ken thought about it, the focus of his attention was drawn to the blood and semen dripping from his--

Ken forcefully squeezed his eyes shut trying to banish the image. He didn't want to be dragged back into the memory of the events of the previous morning. He hadn't dared ask Youji about what he had seen. Hadn't dared reveal to his colleague that he had actually returned to the safehouse earlier to find--

Neither of the older men had noticed him then. Aya was blindfolded, and even from the distance Ken could tell that the redhead was too deep in shock from the abuse to notice anything else of his surroundings. While Youji? The bastard was too focussed slamming into the bound man's bleeding ass to realise that Ken had just come into the room behind them.

Every atom in Ken's body had screamed at him to interfere then. To leap at the chestnut blonde and drag him off the shuddering figure. But he had stayed frozen in place, unable to comprehend the evidence of his eyes. The only thread of thought that ran through his mind at that moment was that Aya wasn't screaming for Youji to stop. That maybe this was a game that they were playing. That it was a private affair, and that he was intruding on a clandestine moment of play between the two men.

Ken had known from the start that Youji was comfortably Bi. And the chestnut blonde had made no secret of his desire to bed their new colleague from the moment they met. The sparks between the two had flared quite violently. From what little they knew of Aya, Ken could believe that they'd engage in a play of dominance in their sex life. Maybe this bloody bit of bondage sex was a normal occurrence in their relationship.

'Or it could be that Aya had already screamed himself hoarse and could no longer protest.' A little voice in his mind said to him. 'You did leave Aya with a bleeding arm *hours* earlier. How long do you think they might have been at it before you appeared?'

There was no reason he could think of for Youji to snap and attack Aya like that. It must have been a game, but-- they did come off a very stressful mission. Everyone was touchy...

'Stressful or not, there was little reason for you to take a swipe at him yourself.' Ken firmly told that little voice to fuck off.

Ken vainly tried not to think of it, but there was one detail about the scene that was seared into his memory. Aya was apparently whispering to Youji as the older man took him. The redhead choked out one word over and over again with every hard stroke delivered, his breath shuddering to a rhythm under the chestnut blonde's control. He had repeated it enough for Ken to finally read his lips properly.

> 'Sorry.'

Once he realised this, Ken had almost willed himself to interfere. But Youji chose that moment to make one last hard thrust into the bleeding body hanging on the grate and spill his seed deep into the redhead's ass. And suddenly, Ken felt a need to be elsewhere. He had this burning fear that Youji would turn around to see him, and know in a glance that he had seen him fucking Aya. So he quietly fled back into the shadows and watched as Youji lurched back to his bedroom. Leaving Aya hanging on the grating, unable to move, limp and shivering in shock.

The moment the older man disappeared into his room, Ken had felt a sense of outrage course through him. Felt the screaming need to rush forward and cut the redhead down, then go to the bedroom and slice Youji to pieces with his bugnucks. But he was again immobilised. Stunned at the incomprehensible image of vulnerability in this man who, since the day he joined them, was a poster boy of guarded emotion and undeviating focus and strength. Now, Aya hung from the window grate, head bowed low, chest hitching in trembling sobs, semen and blood dripping from his ass and trickling down his thighs... The brunette couldn't understand what he had just witnessed. He couldn't reconcile 'this' Youji with the man he had known since he joined Weiß. Youji was someone who despite his flirtatious manner always treated his dates and casual flings with consideration and respect. To see this...

Before Ken could make a decision to take some action, Youji had re-emerged from his bedroom, dressed now in his civilian clothes. The older man had released Aya from his bounds, lending the redhead his support as he collapsed against him when numbed and useless limbs failed to hold him up. Seeing how Youji didn't appear to be making any further move to abuse the shaky man, Ken had quietly left and resolved to make more noise when he returned to the safehouse a second time.

The realisation of what he had just done, or rather not done, came to him as he surreptitiously pushed his motorcycle out of the garage. If he hadn't known Youji, he would have immediately thought that the older man was raping Aya. But how well did he know, Kudou Youji? They met in Weiß. They had only been working together for less than six months. Ken had to admit that Aya had so far shown a talent of annoying him to no end by just being there; And-- if the tables were turned, he would have jumped in immediately to rescue Youji. But it was Aya who was bound to the grating-- And he had stood by and let Youji-- He felt sick.

As he rode his bike in a loop around town, Ken had tried to convince himself that it was a moment of intimate play that he had witnessed between the two men. That Aya never cried so he hadn't seen the redhead sobbing as he was left hanging on the rusty grate; That the man was shuddering from arousal and not from shock; That it was a game the two older men were playing. Just a game...

He felt sick.

"Ken-kun, are you all right?" Omi's concerned words shook Ken out of his thoughts to make him notice that he had just drowned the roots of the poor palm tree he was tending to.

"Ahh, just daydreaming, Omi." Ken cursed under his breath as he tipped the excess water away and tried to save the plant. "Sorr--"

> /Sorry./ 

Aya had used that word repeatedly as Youji took him. What was he sorry for? When Ken finally returned to the safehouse, only Youji was still up and waiting for him. The older man had waved a hand towards the bedrooms when he made a silent inquiry about Aya. If he hadn't been aware of what happened earlier, Ken had to admit that he probably wouldn't have known that anything had happened between the two. At least not until later that afternoon, when they both finally woke up after their rest, to discover Aya had left the safehouse without informing them. Youji hadn't looked at any of them in the eye after they returned to the Koneko no Sumu Ie. And no one had seen Aya since.

"Ken-kun?"

Ken shook his head guiltily. He had zoned out on Omi again. The young blonde gave him an understanding smile. "I'm worried about Aya-kun too. He'd usually let me know how long he'd be gone, even if he doesn't tell me where he'd be."

Of course... The moment they met, Aya had immediately recognised Omi as the chief tactician among them. It was the forte of the youngest assassin in their group. And like any good soldier, Aya kept Omi informed of his schedule in case Manx came with a new mission for them. He trusted Omi to offer the preliminary, if not best, direction in a mission.

"Ken-kun, was he hurt last night?"

"He--" An image of dripping semen and blood smacked Ken between the eyes again. "--wouldn't let us check."

"Aya-kun's too used to being alone." Omi rolled his eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh. "We've been working together for over two months. He should know that he can trust us by now."

Omi wasn't looking at Youji then, so he missed seeing the oldest among them wince. If Ken hadn't known Youji, he would have missed the subtle gesture.

/Kami-sama, Youji... Please-- you didn't rape Aya./ Ken kept his thoughts to himself as he tried to concentrate on an arrangement for a client. /I can't believe it-- It was a game. It wasn't rape. It. Wasn't. Rape. You couldn't have, right? Aya would have fought back. He-- could have, couldn't he? You wouldn't have done that to him-- would you?/

*~*~*~*

"S-s-s-so-so-rry. S-so-rry. S--or--ry." His hitched breathing almost made it too difficult to speak. "Sorry-- Youji-- no more-- please-- Sor-ry-- sor-- ry--"

He felt a cool wet cloth wiping his fevered face and neck, immediately soothing the uncomfortable heat that surrounded him. "Shhh-- Ran? It's okay. You don't need to apologise."

"S--sorry-- sorry--" He opened his glazed eyes to stare at the blurry shapes leaning over him. "It-- hurts-- Youji-- bleedin--"

"The bleeding's stopped, kid. You're okay now." Again he felt the cool cloth. This time wiping the sweat from his neck and chest.

"S--sorry."

"Stop that, Ran." The familiar voice was angry now instead of soothing. "*Stop* saying that."

He shrank back from the fury that was radiating from one of the figures. "S--sorry-- rules--"

"Shut up, Yuushi!" Gentle hands stroked his heated cheeks and the voice was soothing again. "New game. New rules. Okay, kid? Relax. Rest. Sleep. No more 'sorry's. Okay? That game is over."

"Ma-- Masato?" The memory he attached to the voice gave him the name of the darker blur. He felt safe.

"Got that right, kid." He felt the smile and warmth behind the voice. "Could have knocked us for a loop to see you turn up at our doorstep like-- this..."

"And--!" The angry voice was cut off. If he cared to think about it, Masato probably gave his companion a warning look. He was tired. The cool darkness beckoned to him, promising him a retreat from the sweaty uncomfortable heat and the prickling pain of his wounds. He was safe. He let himself slip into sleep.

*~*~*~*

Hanea Kitada strode towards the office of the Police Commissioner with a purpose. She hadn't liked what Omi had told her in e-mail. Kritiker had gone to a lot of trouble to place Fujimiya Ran with Weiß. A move, she was convince, Takatori Shuuichi had arranged because of a sense of obligation to Ran for what his older brother had done to the man's family.

They were so sure that the trial period was over. Fujimiya Ran had been with Weiß for over two months. Hanea thought that the team was warming to each other. They were certainly working together far more efficiently after Ran joined them. Having a fourth member allowed them to take bigger and more complex missions. They were doing so well, what the hell happened?

Curiously, Kyouko and another woman whom she only knew as Queen, from Crashers, were waiting with the Commissioner when she swept into the office. "Shuuichi-san--"

"There's been an incident. I know." The bearded man shook his head at her tiredly. "We were discussing it with Queen."

"Fujimiya is with Crashers right now. I just told Shuuichi-san that if he is planning to return Ran to Weiß, Cashers will rebel."

"What the--?"

"That's what we need to find out." Kyouko, shrugged in bewilderment. "Hanae, what happened on Weiß's last mission? Did anyone tell you that Ran-kun was injured?"

"No, Omi didn't indicate that there were any injuries from the mission in his report."

"Then maybe we'd better find out face to face." Shuuichi nodded to them. "Ran has no place in Crashers."

"We can make a place." Queen's face turned grim as she glared at the Commissioner.

"Crashers doesn't kill." He looked up at her sadly as he said this. "Ran-- needs the release from that restriction. He is a very angry young man."

The three women exchanged glances as they watched the man they reported to sink into a depression again over Fujimiya's fate. They knew that Takatori Shuuichi took Ran's career and development too personally. Arranging to start him off with Kritiker under Shion's team, through to Crashers... He had hoped that Ran would settle down enough with Crashers to back off on his vendetta and consider returning to Kritiker. He hadn't liked it when Ran refused to rejoin Kritiker and struck out on his own as a freelance assassin. Putting the redhead with Weiß was the only way he could think of to continue to keep an eye on him so that he could watch his back.

But just what the hell happened, in the space of a day, to make Ran go back to Crashers for-- protection? If Queen's demeanour was any indication of how serious the matter was, they were quite sure that Ran must have been hurt badly.

"We'll sort this out, Shuuichi-san."

"Please do."

*~*~*~*

Manx only knew Crashers by reputation. She was aware of their existence and assisted when she could often enough, but she wasn't as personally involved with the members of Crashers as she was with Weiß. Unlike Weiß, Crashers had Queen. So she hadn't felt a need to keep close tabs on its members. Queen and Bishop ran an admirably tight ship, and a very close-knit group at that. Manx couldn't help but think that staying with Crashers would have been good for Ran. It was certainly a pity that Ran declined to remain with them even after Rook offered him his place. Rook had made it no secret that he was thinking seriously of retirement and was looking for a replacement.

As Queen felt disinclined to accompany her, and perhaps influence her with a biased opinion, Manx found herself alone as the bespectacled man she knew to be Bishop met her at the door. "Ahh, you're here from King, I believe. Queen told me to expect you. Please, do come in."

As she followed him into the house, she had to be mindful that she didn't accidentally kick the curious cat that was currently scuttling around her legs. The little creature appeared to be quite fascinated by her socks, and seemed bent on trying to steal them from under her. "Bishop, lets--" Manx started.

"No you may not see him." Bishop waved off her request firmly while he shooed his cat away and seated her in the living room. "Terribly sorry about that, my cat's usually not that intrusive. Would you like some tea? Freshly brewed."

"Yes, please. And why are Crashers--"

"That has to be for Ran to decide. We all know that he is a very intensely private man." He looked at her apologetically as he served her a cup of green tea. "And the--"

"The fever broke!"

The entrance of this new bright and excited voice brought all attention to the doorway facing the stairs. Manx blinked to see this-- child bounding down the stairs and into the living room. Pawn. If she remembered the case file, this young man was supposed to be-- 19. Yet he appeared to be so much younger than Omi. And his fashion sense--

"The fever broke, Ran-- Oh! Sorry, I didn't know we had visitors." The flamboyantly dressed man skidded to a halt upon seeing Manx.

Bishop hid a smile of amusement by sipping his tea. It appeared that he was not unused to seeing strangers react so towards his colleague. "Well, it appears that you may be allowed to visit Ran after all."

"How did he fall sick?" Manx ventured to ask as they ascended the stairs of the house. "The reports from Weiß--"

She felt the atmosphere surrounding them drop by two degrees. What ever had happened to Ran, it was apparent to her that Crashers as a unit blamed Weiß. Manx hoped that Kyouko was having an easier time prying the truth of the events of the previous mission from Weiß.

*~*~*~*

"It's all in the mission reports." Youji told Birman sourly as they sat in the mission room. "Over thirty kids-- crucified. Tell me who would not be affected by the sight?"

"Maybe he has just gone to brood?" Omi ventured carefully looking from Ken to Youji. "Ken-kun, you did tell me you didn't return to the safehouse at the same time as Youji-kun or Aya-kun."

"I needed time to think." Ken grunted guiltily. In light of the events he had witnessed at the safehouse, thoughts of the dead children had slipped his mind completely.

"Was he injured? Did neither of you see him at all after the mission?"

"He-- had--" Ken started, but faltered under Omi and Birman's gaze. "I hit him. I didn't mean to. I thought he'd pull away faster."

"Ken-kun! Your bagnuks-- you--"

"I didn't mean it! He was--" Ken gritted his teeth at Birman's accusing stare. "You know how persistent Aya can be. I wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to let me go. I took a swipe at him. And it-- connected. I swear, it was just a scratch! Ask Youji, he must have seen it."

"I saw the scratch. It wasn't serious." Youji glanced at Ken before adding to his description. "Aya wouldn't let me take a closer look. You know how he can be. Locked himself in the bedroom after that.

"He was gone when we checked on him before we left the safehouse." Ken admitted. "We're not sure when he left."

"Just a scratch?" Birman's looked at Ken through narrowed eyes.

"It was an accident! I didn't mean to hurt him." Ken told her as he met her eyes unflinchingly. "I didn't expect to hit him. Can't say who was more surprised, him or me. I-- didn't notice he was distracted. Guess-- guess I didn't think that-- that he was also that affected by the kids' deaths."

Birman shook her head at the silence that fell over the room again. "Fine, it was just a scratch. No other injuries? Are you sure?"

Ken barely stopped himself from glancing in Youji's direction. The blonde man was avoiding all their eves again, this time feigning tiredness and frustration to evade looking at them directly.

"Birman, you seem to know something we don't." Omi spoke softly, bringing all their attention on him. "Has Kritiker found Aya-kun?"

The cool brunette nodded at last. "We have him at another safehouse. Manx has gone over to assess the state of his health. The agent who told us didn't feel it was appropriate to discuss it."

"Discu-- Why? How badly was--?" Omi's words died off as he absorbed the implications of the silence. "Oh-- was-- was he attacked after he left our safehouse?"

"That's what we're trying to ascertain." Birman nodded. Ken guessed that she didn't feel up to voicing the thoughts that everyone knew must be uppermost in their minds. "Is there anything else you can add? Anything important you think you might have left out about the mission? If he had been hurt during the mission and didn't let you know, maybe?"

"No." Ken shook his head firmly. "We were together at the confrontation." He stopped himself again from turning to look at Youji expectantly. He wasn't going to jump all over Youji about what he'd chance to see before they talked. Not in front of Birman, in any case.

An image flashed before his eyes again. Of Aya, hanging from the window grating by Youji's wires... Vulnerably exposed... Defeated... Bleeding...

Raped.

At least that's what Birman was apparently suspecting. Unless Aya met up with someone else, and Ken hoped to god he hadn't in his already messed up state, Youji had hurt Aya enough to--

"When-- will Aya be well enough to come back?" Omi's words interrupted Ken's thoughts.

"That is being assessed right now. I haven't seen him yet." Birman admitted to them as she gathered her papers to leave. "I don't know how badly he was hurt, but you needn't worry. He's in good hands. Either Manx or I will contact you later about seeing him again."

Omi escorted her out leaving Ken and Youji to brood in the mission room. Ken watched them go, hoping that Omi would decide to stay away. It wasn't unreasonable for their youngest member to think that the two of them felt guilty over how Aya had emerged from their 'shift', and needed the time to be left alone to think about it. Ken wondered what was going through Youji's mind right now. He figured he might as well get the ball rolling.

"Youji?"

The other man looked up at him cautiously.

"I-- it-- that morning-- I actually came back earlier." Ken could see Youji grow tense at his words. "I-- saw what you did to Aya."

*~*~*~*

Fujimiya Ran had always looked pale, but Manx would swear now that he looked as white as the sheets he was wrapped in. He lay quietly sleeping, looking almost drowned by the pillows on the soft comfortable looking bed. But despite the paleness and the bandaged arms, he didn't look very much worse for wear. That is, if she discounted the dark rings under his eyes.

She was puzzled over why she was allowed to see him now when they hadn't wanted to let her in earlier. Ran was fast asleep and unaware of her. What differenc-- The fever. That was the only conclusion she could come to. They may have been afraid that she'd hear something he did not intend to let her know in his fevered ramblings. Manx kept her huff of frustration to herself.

Her attention turned for a while to the two men who gently tended to Ran as he slept, Knight and Rook. She didn't have to be a mind reader to tell how angry they were. But if she made the connection of Queen's evasive words of his injuries, and Crasher's vehement reluctance to let Ran return to Weiß... She could scarcely believe the conclusion she was reaching. No one had yet stated out in the open what could have happened. But the way they all appeared to avoid even saying more about Ran's injuries... She didn't want to jump to conclusions. She didn't want to consider the possibility... Manx wanted to think that it was just an arm injury, infected because it had been left untreated, that brought the redhead so low.

"You don't believe us do you?"

"Knight?" Receiving a nod from the blonde man acknowledging the correct reference, she tried to state her misgivings as diplomatically as possible. "I don't believe or disbelieve anything without evidence. Infection--"

"That was only one of the complications-- Manx, is it?" At her nod, Knight reached over to gently take Ran's limp right arm in his hand and start to unwrap part of the bandages. "It may have been no more than a 'scratch' but the problem was actually compounded."

"I don't understand--" Manx's eyes widened to see the five parallel grooves down the right arm. The wounds were still slightly swollen and puffy, but the infection had been brought under control, so there was no danger that the cuts wouldn't heal. But the sight that made her gasp were the angry red stripes that criss-crossed over the grooves.

"Wouldn't you say this was caused by wire?" Rook told her coldly as his finger reached out to lightly stroke a mark.

*~*~*~*

Ken waited patiently. He felt like it had been nearly an hour since he asked the question of Youji, but the older man had yet to reply. And Ken was determined to get an answer. He didn't care how long he waited. He wanted to know what had happened that early morning after the mission. So engrossed in these thoughts was he, that he almost missed Youji's whispered words when he did begin to speak.

"I fucked up."

"What was that?"

"How-- how much did you see?"

Ken looked at Youji coolly and described the events and the images that had plagued him even more than the crucified kids in the mission ever did. Youji was shaking slightly by the time he was done.

"Kami-sama... I--"

"What happened?" Ken tried his best to keep his tone completely neutral. He was determined not to present a biased front. He was not there to judge. "Why don't we start from the beginning?"

*~*~*~*

"It. Was. Not. Rape." An extremely pale Ran glared warningly at Knight as they stayed locked in a contest of wills.

"I can't believe you're defending--!"

"Yuushi!" Masato cut him off and looked at the two friends sternly. Whatever the situation, he could without fail trust the two to get into a verbal shouting match at the drop of a hat. This time it was triggered by Knight's statement to Ran, upon his awakening, that Manx came by while he was sleeping and had been told that he would not be returning to Weiß.

Ran had been furious. He thought they had told Manx that Weiß had raped him. Which they hadn't, they hadn't said a word to her about what further wounds they encountered when cleaning Ran up. Crashers had rightly thought that those intimate injuries were something intensely private that Ran would fiercely keep to himself rather than let anyone like Manx hear. If she thought it was rape that was her own deduction. All Yuushi made her aware of were the marks made by wires over his arms. They didn't say anything or speculate as to why Balinese might have reason to tie him up so cruelly.

Seeing how weak Ran was, Masato knew that the last thing he needed right now was to get into a fight with Yuushi. Not especially over events Ran had yet to tell them about. And blonde man's usual confrontational style with Ran was not going to be appropriate. He understood Yuushi's genuine concern for Ran's welfare. They had been lovers for nearly as long as they had been colleagues. But yelling at Ran was not going to get him to talk about it.

"Ran? Are you hungry?"

As if in reply to the question, Ran's stomach made an embarrassingly loud growl, which made the pale man flush slightly. But it was still not the deep red blush that they were accustomed to seeing paint his cheeks when he was self-conscious about something. It would be a while before he recovered that. He had lost too much blood with his injuries.

"Yuushi, why don't you see if you and Naru can make Ran some chicken porridge without blowing up the kitchen?"

The blonde threw an assessing look at his older colleague before glancing to where Ran had exhaustedly lain back in the bed. "Naru knows better than to bring his toys in the kitchen now." He shrugged as he aimed his light words to Ran carefully. "We discovered that as long as one of us is around to watch him, he can cook pretty well."

"I thought he'd have lost interest in learning how to cook by now." Ran gazed up at him tiredly. "The house account must be a lot richer."

"Well, after you left... We still have to eat, you know? And yeah, it's a lot nicer having an intact kitchen." Yuushi shrugged as he headed for the door. But he threw one parting shot before he slipped out of the room. "Rest, you hear me?"

As soon as the door closed behind their friend, Masato made his move to sit on the bed beside Ran and pull the younger man into his embrace. He held down his worried sigh as he felt Ran flinch slightly at his touch before trustingly laying back in the circle of his arms.

Masato didn't say anything. In the six months they had stayed together in the same house, when Ran was filling in for him as Rook while he struggled with his long recovery, Masato had come to realise a lot of things about the closed off young man. One of the things was that if he knew you were expecting something of him, and no one nagged him about it and waited 'expectantly' instead, he'd eventually give in and talk. True to form, Ran started speaking at last.

"It-- was my fault. It was just a game, Masato. We-- we've played it often enough." Ran murmured quietly. "Youji was-- we started-- It was my fault."

Masato was determined to be calm about this. It was true that Ran had regularly played bondage games with him and Yuushi when they were still together. But they had *never* gone so far as to draw blood and hurt each other before. "What were his rules?"

"Behave-- No struggling. No questions-- No choice."

"Or what?"

"He'd-- leave me tied up for Ken to see."

"Did you listen?"

Ran's voice was almost too quiet for him to catch the reply. "No."

Masato's blood turned cold. "Did he leave you?"

"No-- He cut me down."

"What was your safe word?" Ran didn't answer him. Masato could feel him trembling in his embrace. "Ran, you did have a safe word, didn't you?"

"It was my fault."

"That's not a safe word." The older man told him softly as he hugged him closer. "What was your safe word?"

"We-- didn't have one."

Masato sighed as he remembered Ran's earlier fevered ramblings. He kissed the younger man on the temple before breathing softly into his ear, "Liar."

*~*~*~*

Ken's head was reeling from everything that Youji was telling him. Bondage sex games... If the circumstances had not been so serious, he was quite sure that he'd have been amused, but...

"Kami-sama, I-- I broke my own rules, Ken." Youji leaned over his knees and stared at his feet miserably. "It's-- it's unforgivable."

"'Sorry', was that the safe word?" That realisation suddenly flashed at Ken.

As soon as he said it, Youji had jerked up in his seat to stare at him. "Yes." The older man's answer was almost too soft for him to catch.

"Shit." Of all the words to use with as prideful a man as Aya... From what little they knew of the redhead, Ken thought that he'd cut out his tongue first before admitting to a fault he didn't believe in. Yet-- Ken shuddered to remember what he had seen Aya to be choking out to Youji as the older man finished him off. He had said it repeatedly.

"And I didn't stop. I was so-- That's no excuse-- He used it. And I didn't stop." Youji's hands reached up to tear at his hair in wretched frustration. "Kami-sama, I didn't stop."

*~*~*~*

"It's not your fault." Masato stroked Ran's hair comfortingly.

"I *wasn't* raped." Ran growled firmly. "I consented. I let him take me."

Masato kissed him on the temple again before he spoke softly to the shaking man. "Ran, love. I know you. I've seen what's under those bandages. You kept trying to fight the bondage. Your left arm is one massive bruise, and you nearly mangled your right arm trying to get free. It's okay to admit it."

"Masato, he didn't-- rape me." Ran's hand tried to tighten over the arm hugging him, but his strength was far from restored. "He didn't."

"He ripped you open down there, Ran." The older man told him gently. "You needed stitches."

"No. It-- wasn't that bad."

"Did you feel pleasure at all when he took you?" Ran didn't answer. Masato sucked in a deep breath and didn't question him any further.

"He didn't rape me, Masato." The older man could hear the strain in his voice. "I could have stopped the 'game' before it got too far. I really could have."

Masato didn't say anything to that. Ran was in denial. He knew that anything he said would only make the redhead more upset. He gently tightened his hug and continued to stroke his hair.

"It wasn't his fault."

The older man kept his words to himself. He doubted that he'd ever find out the full details of what happened, but the evidence to his eyes was damning enough. He and Yuushi had been shocked to find Ran collapsed at their doorstep the previous evening. The redhead was dressed in the familiar leather trench coat with the zippered sleeves, which they had always thought was such an erotic turn on, but was now in a distressful state. It looked barely held together by the various buckles and straps and had easily fallen apart at their gentle tugging. Under it though, they had been alarmed to find the younger man's black pants nearly soaked in blood, same as the tattered sleeve on his right arm. He was almost bled white.

Even in his fevered delirium, Ran wanted to fight them before he'd let them take him to a hospital. Queen managed to discretely arranged for a doctor, unconnected to Kritiker, to make a house call. When he was done, the doctor had spoken to them grimly and with ill concealed anger about the injuries. He saw straight through their lies about accidents and bondage games gone wrong.

The doctor's vehement statement occupied his mind again. /"This was an act of selfish *hate*, young man. *Not* passion gone wild."/

/Ran, love. If this Youji had any feelings for you, he wouldn't have torn you apart like that. No one believes you felt anything *but* pain when he was fucking you. Even the doctor says that the bastard was only interested in his own pleasure./

"He was pissed off with me." Ran stated quietly, drawing Masato's attention back to him. "I knew that. I should have just cooperated from the start."

Masato barely held himself off from screaming at Ran. /Damn it, Ran, no! That's *not* how the game is played. That's not how we taught you to play it. Safe words, demands for the games to cease, that's the receiver's privilege. Not--/

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, and the two men looked up to see Yuushi, Naru and Reiichi coming in with a few trays of food. At the raising of Ran's curious eyebrow, the bespectacled leader of the group smiled and enlightened them to the situation.

"Well, seeing how most of us were going to be here, I thought it would be pleasant if we could have supper together."

"Yeah, but if those three start to get kinky, I'm out of here." Naru waggled his eyebrows at Ran mischievously.

A snort of laughter escaped Ran's lips before he could control it. Masato nodded minutely to Naru in thanks for the laugh as he felt the warm blush suffuse the lithe figure in his arms.

"So-- do you want us to feed you?" Yuushi's voice was fairly dripping with sexuality as he took his place on Ran's other side with the tray carrying his porridge.

"Yuushi!" Ran blushed even hotter as he grabbed the spoon before anyone could even try to attempt to spoon-feed him.

"Oh, my poor innocent ears." Naru pouted cutely as he gave his leader a long-suffering look. "I swear these three can introduce sex into any topic."

"Ahh, but it is so easy to do with food, Naru." Reiichi explained patiently. "Food can be a very sensual subject."

"Reiichi! Why you sly devil." Yuushi looked at him in mock shock. "Tell us more. Tell us more."

Masato felt Ran relax in his arms. Now more than ever, he regretted ever allowing the redhead a chance to disappear on them six months ago after he had healed sufficiently to take back the role of Rook.

/Stubborn, stubborn kid. Queen was trying to find a way for you to stay with Crashers. You fitted in fine with us, Ran. Not Weiß. Not if they will do this to you and make you think that you deserve it. Even now, you came to us for help, and for safety you could trust. I hope you think about it and stay this time./


	2. Chapter 2

> _A room of crosses-- a room of corpses-- He knew he was in a dream, reliving the horror of that last mission in stark detail. Youji didn't want to look closely at any of the figures. Children. They were all children. Nailed to the stake naked, save for a 'crown' of barbwire, their crown of thorns. He had never felt more satisfaction in killing his targets on this mission than at any other time. But Weiß didn't get all of them. The main devil had escaped their justice._
> 
> _He still remembered his frustration trying to pull out the nails with just his hands. Trying but failing to take the small figures down from the crosses. He couldn't remove a single one. Over thirty children dead, and he couldn't give any of them the dignity of lying prone on the blood slick floor. He had to leave them hanging on the crosses to wait for Kritiker to tip off the authorities._
> 
> _Youji walked on, wishing for the dream to end. He couldn't seem to find an exit to escape this room of crucified children. A flutter of white suddenly drew his attention and he turned to stare at a window across the room. Tattered strips of white rust stained curtains stirred gently in the wind around a dark obstacle before it. It took a moment for Youji's eyes to adjust to the seemingly bright moonlight that streamed through the window. A vague outline of the obstruction soon made itself clear to the chestnut blonde. Another cross with its burden._
> 
> _He almost turned away, having little desire to look upon another corpse of a child, when certain facts started to register to his mind. The figure hanging from the cross was too big to be a child. There was also a glint of something hanging on the left side of the person's bowed head-- something that could be an earring. A strip of white cloth lifted in the wind to brush against a familiar red momiage._
> 
> _"Kami-sama, Aya!" Youji rushed forward only to slam against an invisible barrier that kept him from reaching the helpless figure._
> 
> _The redhead didn't stir to Youji's cries. "Aya!"_
> 
> _The chestnut blonde pounded on the invisible barrier as he took in the scene laid out before him. Like the children, Aya was secured to the cross by three nails, one through each forearm, and one through the bone of his heels. The only thing he seemed to lack, as compared to the other victims, was a crown of barbwire._
> 
> _"Aya!"_
> 
> _Strips of white cloth fluttered in the wind, seeming to caress and lovingly stroke the pale body. Scarlet ribbons of blood adorned the unmoving form, appearing to be lovingly painted on the pale flesh; The red in stark contrast to the almost luminescent white skin, which seemed to pick up the moonlight like a canvas ready for a madman to work his masterpiece. As if the thought brought a deed to life, Youji suddenly noticed the figure kneeling in front of Aya. A man with short silver hair, a single yellow eye and a maniacal grin._
> 
> _"Farfarello." Youji growled deep in his throat, his hands reaching for and uncoiling a length of wire._
> 
> _The Schwartz Irishman flashed a malicious grin at him before turning his attention to the redhead hanging on the cross. "It so hurts God, doesn't it? To see such a figure of beauty brought so low. So pretty..."_
> 
> _"Get away from him!"_
> 
> _"Why, because you're asking me so nicely?" Farfarello intimately stroked the firm muscled thighs before him, unmindful of the demands of the bristling man standing a few feet away from him. "I just want a taste." Aya showed no signs of resistance or fight as Farfarello took him in his mouth._
> 
> _Youji screamed incoherently as he tried once more to breach the invisible barrier with either fists or wire. If he had really thought about it, he should have known better than to react so violently in a dream. It wasn't real. It was a figment of his imagination. Even now, the cross was disappearing to be replaced by a window grating. As he watched, glinting wire appeared to encircle each of Aya's limbs, holding him just as immobile as the nails had done earlier._
> 
> _The sight of Aya finally moving, arching his back in pain, brought Youji's attention back to Farfarello. The mad man was inserting the blade of his knife into the redhead's ass as he sucked him off._
> 
> _"Kami-sama..." The significance was finally registering to his mind. "No! I used the handle of the switchblade. I didn't use the blade! I used the handle! You sick fuck! Get away from him! Farfarello, get away him!"_
> 
> _Glittering jewels of tears sparkled on Aya's lashes and in the air as he threw his head back in a soundless cry. The silver haired man smacked his lips at Youji before standing to catch Aya's chin in his hands and forcefully deposit his earned treasure into Aya's mouth. Youji's stomach roiled in disgust to see the younger man passively accepting the semen loaded kiss. His pink tongue darting out compliantly to catch the trickle that escaped when the Schwartz Irishman moved away. Beautiful, God he was beautiful._
> 
> _"Farfarello!" Youji threw himself against the barrier to no avail as he watched the man blindfolding the redhead, knowing what was to come next._
> 
> _Even with a piece of cloth obscuring half his face, Youji could see Aya's agony as the silver haired man impaled him on his hard shaft. Yet the redhead still made no sound. Farfarello pounded hard and fast into the bleeding body, not caring about the blood that encased his rock hard member. Not caring about the redhead hanging on the grate, shuddering in pain and shock._
> 
> _Youji watched in horror as Aya bit his lips to keep from screaming, his mouth opening in a soundless gasp every so often with Farfarello's hard strokes. The redhead strained against the need to cry out, until at last he gave up._
> 
> _"Sorry!"_
> 
> _The Irishman showed no inclination to stop his steady rhythmic pounding. Aya's breath began to hitch and quake as he cried out once more. "Sorry!"_
> 
> _Youji closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. However, he could not escape from the sound of Aya's voice. "Sorry!" The desperation in his timbre resounded clearly in Youji's ears. "S--sorry."_
> 
> _The words came steadily now. "Sorry... sorry..." Growing softer as Aya succumbed to shock. His breath jarring out in time with each hard thrust, "Sorry... sorry... sorry..." It wasn't long before Youji could hardly hear Aya's whispering._
> 
> _"Farfarello!" Youji tore his hands away from his face. Prepared to throw himself against the invisible barrier once more. But the scene that was revealed before him sent him stumbling back in horror instead._
> 
> _The Irishman had disappeared, and in his place was the chestnut blonde's own doppelganger. Slamming itself in and out of the bleeding ass mercilessly. His chin lifted in exaltation, face suffused with pleasure, even as Aya's bowed head rested against his ear. The redhead's lips still moving, whispering 'sorry' in morbid rhythm to his violator's thrusting hips._

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Youji sat up in his bed crying. "Kami-sama... Kami-sama... What did I become? Aya-- Kami-sama, what have I done?"

He turned bloodshot eyes out the window to stare at the dark foreboding sky. This night seemed so very similar to that mission night. There were still no stars.

There never were any stars.

*~*~*~*

The nightmares drove him awake. Ran felt the contents of his stomach lurching, seeking escape and he sat up instinctively as if to get out of bed and hurry to the bathroom. In the next instant, his head felt as if it would explode with the pain that shot through his body. Despite the agony, Ran managed to keep enough presence of mind not to forget where he was and vomit over himself. He had no desire to dirty himself and the bed. No desire to become a greater burden to his hosts than he already was with his presence.

With the nightmare nearly forgotten, given his present dilemma, Ran contemplated swallowing his vomit rather than attempting to make the trek to the nearest bathroom. In his current state, he wasn't sure he'd make it. But the smell and the taste in his mouth were making it difficult to endure. Try as he might, he couldn't stop the heaving in his stomach as it attempted to overrule what his mind was commanding it to do.

"Ran?" A gentle hand touched the back of his neck, and he felt a presence below his chin. "Let it go. It's okay, I have a bin to catch it. Let it go."

He had to. Even if he wanted to otherwise, Ran couldn't have held it back much longer. His helper released the round bin as soon as he was sure Ran was holding on to it tightly, and the redhead felt the cool hands move to hold his momiage out of the way. It took a long while before he finally emptied the contents of his stomach and was left with only dry, energy draining heaves. Somewhere in the intervening time when he starting vomiting to the present when the bin was taken from his shaky hands, Ran realised that the man with him had shifted a leg under his thighs so that he'd sit on that support rather than on his injury. He was grateful for that relief.

"Ran?" A piece of tissue gently brushed over his mouth and chin to wiped away the flakes of vomit.

Ran had to take a couple of moments to compose himself before he responded. He discovered his companion to be Yuushi when he finally turned in the gentle embrace to look up.

"Nightmares?"

A red flush crept over his cheeks. He hated the situation. Hated feeling so weak and dependent. He wanted to push Yuushi away and say that everything was okay. That it wasn't a nightmare. That he was fine. That-- he wasn't afraid. But his treacherous body was betraying his mind's directives. He was trembling in the comforting hold, and even he wasn't sure if it was a physical manifestation of his emotions, or if it was a reflection of his current physical weakness from his injuries.

Showing a rare moment of delicacy given his usual brash nature, Yuushi didn't try to question Ran any further. Instead, he leaned over and covered the bin to trap the smell of vomit before settling back against the bed head, while ensuring that Ran stayed cradled on his lap. The redhead felt too tired to want to try and push the other man away and escape the embrace. Yuushi offered him a quiet comfort, and he was loathed to evade the security, no matter how much his mind protested this submissive act.

His mind fought a losing battle against the selfish need for reassurance. A part of him felt too greedy for the comfort he had denied of himself with his solitary ways. But the angry and distraught part of him yelled at him for letting himself sink into this dependency again. He deserved to be alone. Yuushi and Masato had a love and life together long before he joined them. He was only an intruder. A brief fling for them while Rook healed and a stand-in was available. Thinking about the situation again reminded Ran of how much of a burden he had made of himself. Surely Crashers must have been surprised and annoyed with him for reappearing so abruptly, after walking out of their lives six months ago with not so much as a goodbye.

He made up his mind there and then, he would be gone in the morning. "Yuushi, I should leave."

"Why?" The blonde man didn't loosen his embrace. Keeping his arms wrapped around the redhead.

"I have no place in Crasher--"

"You haven't been listening to us, Ran." Yuushi rumbled firmly, though he didn't raise his voice. "We've been wanting to make you a place with us--"

"I-- I can't." Ran kept his head bowed as he chewed on his lower lip. Apart from the numbers in the team structure, there was also something very fundamental about Crashers that he couldn't accept. "Yuushi? Takatori..."

The blonde man mulled over his words thoughtfully. Ran hoped that he would at last understand. He couldn't stay. It was not his place to stay in Crashers.

"Crashers would never be able to touch him." Yuushi sighed at last. "Was *that* why you left? Because--" Yuushi laughed sardonically. "You were after bigger fish."

"Monsters like Takatori don't have the vulnerabilities that allow Crashers to bring him down." Ran nodded in agreement. "Besides, you didn't need me anymore."

"Ran," Yuushi dragged him up so that they could look each other in the eye. "You don't have to need something to want and desire it with all your heart."

Ran pulled his face away before Yuushi could kiss him. "I'll taste of vomit."

"Do you think I care?"

"Yuushi--"

"It hurt us. Did you know that?" The blonde man shook him, his anger boiling back to the surface. "It hurt to wake up one morning to find you gone for no apparent reason. To see your room empty, as if no one had ever lived there before. It hurt!"

"We-- For people like us-- attachments are a bad idea." Ran couldn't look at him.

"For people like us, sometimes attachments are the only reasons we have to get out of bed." Yuushi growled at him. "Do you mean to say you felt nothing for us? That it was painless for you to leave?"

"I've already lost one team, Yuushi." Ran told him softly. "I didn't want to grow too-- I didn't want--"

"So you'll run away from any offer of affection and ties? You're not being fair to yourself, Ran."

"I-- am just a murderer, Yuushi."

The blonde man sucked in a deep breath at his statement. "Is that why you wanted to become an assassin?" His hand reached out to brush Ran's momiage and let his fingers thread through the long strands. "You thought-- you could more easily stay apart from others by surrounding yourself with 'murderers'?"

Ran didn't answer him.

"I would dare say you found out different." Yuushi's eyes narrowed at him thoughtfully. "You're going back to them, aren't you?"

Ran almost flinched away from the quiet fury in Yuushi's words. "It wasn't his fault, Yuushi."

"It was the first time he ever hurt you like this?"

"What makes you think there will be a next time?" Ran snapped at him.

"What assurance do you have there *won't* be a next time?" Yuushi growled back. "You said enough when you were fevered, Ran. He tied you up, *without* your consent--"

"He-- I hit him..."

"So? Your other team mate took a swipe at you. You didn't draw your katana and carve him to pieces."

"He didn't mean to, Yuushi. That was an accident. I-- saw that he thought I'd pull away faster. It was as much--"

"Ran--" Yuushi could feel this wall coming between them as the younger man closed himself off. "Fine. Fine..."

Yuushi gently rolled Ran back under the covers and lay down beside him. The younger man at first tried to pull away, but Yuushi wouldn't let him. Ran made only a light huff of frustration before he meekly settled down to sleep cuddled next to the blonde man.

The brush of his hand against one of Ran's bandaged arms made Yuushi think wistfully of the ruined trenchcoat the redhead had arrived in. During the time Ran was still with them, he and Masato had loved to play with the zippered sleeves, which could teasingly reveal their pale lover's bare arms and shoulders. Earlier, Naru had tried to bring it to a leather merchant to have it repaired. But the tradesman had advised him that the cost to have it re-stitched and patched up would be far more than buying a new piece. Somehow, its loss felt like a reflection of their own loss of the 'old' Ran that they knew. However much they wished otherwise, Yuushi was quite sure that the redhead would be leaving them again before too long. But for now...

"You're staying on for a few more days, Ran." Yuushi murmured to him as he tucked the red head under his chin. "At least until the doctor removes the stitches. You can't take any missions like this anyway."

Ran didn't raise a word of protest to this statement. As he drifted off, Yuushi had to wonder whether it was because he had already fallen asleep, or because he agreed that he was too hurt to go on a mission.

*~*~*~*

Omi had had enough. This little fact was abundantly clear to Youji and Ken when they came down to the mission room at his summons. Of all of them, their youngest member was the least aware of what had happened on that last mission, and he wasn't happy about being kept in the dark.

"I've just spoken to Manx." Omi started quietly as the two older men sat on the sofa facing him. "Before I go into what she told me, is there anything that either of you would like to tell me, that you didn't want to let Kritiker know."

Ken looked down unable to meet Omi's eyes. He had done a lot of thinking about his part in Aya's injuries. And really, he had no excuse for taking that swipe at Aya, which unfortunately connected. It wasn't as if Aya had tried to force him to return to the safehouse. What had irritated him to no end was how coolly the redhead accepted the deaths of all those children, and their loss of the original target. But his words to Ken before he walked away and left him alone actually made a lot of sense.

/"It is no use agonising over what we could not prevent, Ken. It's true that over thirty children died. But if we had not been there, the numbers dead could have been more. Much more." The man had said quietly as he examined the five parallel gashes in his leather sleeve "It isn't possible for anyone to protect all of society. Weiß exists to stop *more* innocents from being hurt. It is not our function to predict and prevent the monsters from committing their atrocities.

/"Let it go. Come back to the safehouse. This is not a night to be wandering the streets."

/"I-- I need some time alone, Aya. I can't-- it's not as easy for me to deal with this as it is for you." He had said then. "I need to think-- about what you just said, and about-- myself."/

The redhead had grunted in acknowledgement of his words and left him to his own devices. How was Ken to tell that he'd come back to the safehouse to find--? He hoped that Youji would eventually tell Omi what he had told him the previous day. Maybe the 'kid' of the group could figure a way out of the mess.

"Youji-kun?" Omi was looking expectantly at the chestnut blonde, making Ken speculate how much Manx had told him. He wondered himself if Manx was aware of the full extent of Aya's injuries.

"Omi-- I-- after that mission ended." Youji took a deep breath and started speaking again, shakily. "When-- when Aya and I were alone at the safehouse-- I-- tied him up and-- raped him."

Ken would swear that they could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. Omi, as Ken observed, didn't gasp or look shocked at Youji's statement. Instead, the young blonde continued to look very calm, maybe too calm.

"Youji--" Neither of the men missed noticing the lack of the 'kun' suffix in Omi's address. "I am aware-- That you have a-- relationship with Aya-kun. Why did you feel the need to force him this time?"

"It was-- I-- wasn't thinking, Omi. I didn't-- I let--" Youji told him very quietly. "I-- didn't mean to hurt him. I-- lost control of-- I'm sorry."

The silence that followed that statement felt even more oppressive than the one before.

Feeling that neither Omi nor Youji were going to speak, Ken tried to diffuse the heavy air with an inquiry to Aya's health. "Omi, Birman said that Manx went to visit Aya. How is he? When will he be coming back?"

"Coming back?" Omi growled harshly at them. "After two of his three new colleagues attacked him? Why would he want to come back?! Why would he even trust us anymore?"

"Omi, please. I have to make it up to him." Youji launched forward to grab the younger man about the arms. "Apologise. Do-- what ever it takes. Omi-- I have to make it up to him somehow. Please-- help me."

"Omi-- I--" Ken swallowed before he continued. "I didn't mean to hurt Aya. It was an accident."

Omi looked from one to the other, reading the guilt and sorrow plain in their faces. His sharp blue eyes were drawn to lock into Youji's Emerald greens. "How did it happen? Youji-- how could you do this to Aya-kun?"

"It was-- we-- play games, Aya and me. I thought-- that night-- to me it was another game-- but-- but Aya-- wasn't playing. I was too-- too frustrated and stressed by the mission to listen to him." Youji bowed his head in shame. "I wasn't thinking. And I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry, Omi. I have to-- need to apologise to him."

"Games?" The blonde youth stared at Youji in bewilderment. "Where you tie him up?"

The older man nodded uncomfortably as he squirmed under his intense scrutiny. Again, Ken had to reflect that had the circumstance not been so serious, he was quite sure that such an admission would have brought a blush to Omi's cheeks. Hell, it might even have caused a massive nosebleed. Neither of them was exactly ignorant of Aya's charms and-- finer qualities.

"We've-- I never-- hurt him before, Omi. I swear, I've never lost control before and-- and-- It was-- I-- don't know what came over me."

Omi nodded as he numbly trying to absorb Youji's obvious guilt and balance it against the crime. "Manx asked if we'd like to try to get Aya back to Weiß."

"His place is with us, Omi." Ken looked at Youji as he responded to the 'business' question. "The team can handle larger jobs now. We've benefited from his presence."

"Then the question is how do we get Aya-kun to trust us again?" Omi took a deep breath before he turned to look at Youji. "Ultimately, it is between you and him, Youji-kun. What we think doesn't matter in the long run."

Ken could practically see Youji's heart lighten to hear Omi use the -kun suffix with him again.

"Help me? Please?"

"For Aya's sake, yes." Ken nodded as he threw a glance at Omi. "But be mindful of one thing, my friend. If you ever-- hurt Aya like that again... I won't give you the benefit of doubt a second time."

"I would deserve it, Ken. I would deserve it."

/Never again, Aya. For what I didn't do when I had the chance, I'm sorry./ Ken told himself quietly. He doubted that he'd ever be able to say this to Aya in person. He knew that the redhead would probably be so angry and embarrassed that Ken had seen him shamefully compromised that he wouldn't notice the apology. But it was important for Ken to make this promise to himself. He was determined never to turn his back on a colleague like that again.

*~*~*~*

A frown of puzzlement sat on Reiichi's brow as he strode towards the front door at the insistent ringing. Crashers rarely, if ever, had unexpected visitors, and Queen hadn't mentioned anything about Manx returning to visit. In fact, the last unexpected caller they received was Ran. As such, the bespectacled man was not prepared to be greeted by a talking bush.

"Special delivery for Fujimiya-san." A young blonde man announced brightly as he peeked at him from around the large bouquet of flowers. "Could you let me in? I've been commissioned to deliver this to him personally."

Reiichi stared at him in great surprise, wondering for a moment how anyone would have known to send flowers to their house for Ran. Then the significance registered.

"Weiß..."

"How--?" All pretence aside, the blonde lad quickly put a foot at the doorjamb before the door could be slammed on him. "Please, we were concerned. We just want to know that he's all right."

"Oh? After--"

"Ken's sorry, but it was unintentional." Omi pleaded with the other man. "And Youji-- Youji's wretched. He's very sorry for what he did to Aya-kun."

/Aya?/ Reiichi frowned at the address. He had to wonder why Ran never told Weiß his real name. Bishop was very tempted to push the boy out and deny him any chance of seeing Ran. But he could felt his heart being touched by the sincerity in the blonde's expression.

"Please? We haven't seen him for over two days."

*~*~*~*

Omi watched his silent colleague nod to Bishop as the man prepared to leave after escorting him in. He noted that the Crashers' Knight and Rook were not happy at all to leave Aya alone with him, but the redhead's eyes were firm on his desires. Neither he nor Omi spoke until the door to the room was closed and they were alone.

"You're not surprised to see me, Aya-kun?" Omi asked him carefully.

"I expected as much of you, Omi." The redhead shrugged, his expression unreadable. "Information gathering is your forte. Why should I not expect you to find a way to locate me, whether or not Kritiker wanted to let you know?"

"How are you?"

"Better."

Omi winced inwardly at the taciturn reply. This wasn't the first time that the blonde cursed his inability to read the other man. Omi had to admit that he had no clue what to say to him. Words were valueless to Aya. He was a man who looked to a person's actions and deeds more than what was said to him.

In the two months that they worked together, Omi had noticed that Aya preferred to take action rather than talk or discuss decisions. It was a peculiarity that caused Omi a headache more than once when Aya chose to change carefully laid out plans in mid-mission with almost no consultation with him or the rest of the team. To be honest about it, more often than not, his impromptu actions were what 'saved' the mission. But it would have averted a lot of surprises and stress if Aya would bother to give them more of a heads-up before he wilfully changed plans on them. Many a times, they'd be left to deal with his sudden mission deviations, which sometimes left them scrambling to adapt to the changes. He had his reasons and Omi couldn't deny that they were sound almost all of the time, but it didn't mean that he had to like the abrupt introduction of changes. Omi wished that Aya would talk to them more.

"Ken-kun is sorry about the gashes."

"I know. It's not his fault." Aya didn't seem to notice his hand move to unconsciously scratch the bandages on his arm lightly. "It wouldn't have turned serious if I hadn't aggravated the injury."

"Aya-kun, you should-- talk to Youji-kun. He's--" Omi saw his mistake the moment his words left his mouth. The heated light of anger that sparked in the amethyst orbs seemed to burn brighter than a super nova.

"That was none of your concern! What ever is going on between Youji and me is strictly between him and me!"

"Wrong, Aya-kun!" Omi told him firmly. His cerulean eyes hardening as he stared down the redhead. "It becomes my concern when events serve to land one member of my team in sick bed, for what could be several days. And another gets thrown into a depression that renders him almost useless in offered missions.

"Aya-kun..." Omi's expression softened as he regarded the stony faced man. "Weiß cannot operate, if you are determined to have nothing else to do with Youji-kun. Please, give him a chance to talk. We want you back in Weiß. But we also need to function as a team. Weiß needs both of you."

"I've nothing to say to him."

"I think you do." Omi told him decisively. "You both need to talk. Please, Aya-kun. Just talk. It-- it isn't healthy to leave things unsaid."

Aya didn't speak again. His eyes turned away from the blonde indicating his desire for their meeting to end at this juncture. Omi sighed as he took the hint and got up to go to the door. But before he left, Omi just had to leave the redhead with one last parting shot.

"Youji-kun's torn up by what he did to you--"

"It. Wasn't. Rape."

Omi could feel his eyebrows shoot up at the words Aya growled out from between clenched teeth. "Then-- it's all the more reason you should talk, Aya-kun. Youji-kun told us that he betrayed your trust, and he regrets what he did. Please give him a chance."

*~*~*~*

Masato hurried to the front door at the insistent ringing. It seemed like their doorbell was seeing more use in these few days than it had ever seen in a whole year. He never considered before how disruptive visitors could be in their lives.

Ran had been especially distant after the Weiß blonde came by to talk to him. The only thing he would tell them about their conversation was that Weiß wanted him back. Yuushi did not greet this news kindly at all. But his over protectiveness only made Ran restless with the desire to leave them rather than be dependent on their 'charity'. If he had the strength to, Masato was quite sure that Ran would have picked himself out of bed and disappeared on them again. However, the blood loss he had suffered and the painkillers he had to take, not to mention his troubling inability to hold down solid foods, kept the redhead from making the attempt. Masato had to wonder how long Crashers could scheme to keep Ran from bolting from them after he recovered.

The arrival at the door interrupted Masato's thoughts of his friend as he yanked it open for a talking bush. "Special delivery for Fujimiya Aya."

"Again?" Masato glared at the Weiß brunette who quickly put his foot in the doorjamb to stop the door from being closed on him.

"Look, this is legit." The Weiß brunette blinked at him pleadingly. "The girls at the shop heard about Aya being-- sick and they bought all this to be sent to him. If it's not me delivering this forest, you'll be having a horde of schoolgirls at your door right now--"

Masato let him in.

*~*~*~*

Aya stared at the steaming cup of tea and the plate of sweet desert cakes that were placed before him on a bed tray. In the room, Ken was still busily arranging the various bouquets and flower offerings that had been gifted to their redhead colleague by way of the Koneko no Sumu Ie. Sneaking surreptitious glances at the redhead while he worked, Ken cursed his inability to read him. He couldn't for the life of him guess what was going through Aya's mind right now as he stared at the tea and cakes. He was quite sure that Aya knew that the tea and the box of sweet dessert cakes didn't come from the girls. Ken had gone to quite a bit of trouble to hunt down that particular blend of tea for him.

"It's-- your favourite blend." The brunette turned almost shyly to him at last when he was done with the flowers. "And I-- remembered you liked the shop where those cakes came from..."

"I didn't know you noticed." They were quiet words that still didn't give Ken much indication of the man's thoughts, but it was a lot better than silence.

"Aya-- I'm sorry about--"

"It was an accident."

"Yeah, but I'm still regret what my action precipitated..." Ken saw the flash of incredulous rage in Aya's eyes before apathy replaced it again.

"Ridiculous." Aya's expression was flat. "What happened between Youji and me is not your concern."

"The injury I caused you made it worse." Ken looked suitably sorrowful. "If I hadn't hurt you, Youji wo--"

"Drop it, Ken."

"No-- because like it or not, I'm involved in this as well." Ken told him firmly as he stood beside Aya's bed. "I have a part in this whole mess whether or not you want to recognise it."

Ken raised his hand at Aya, silently asking for a chance to speak without interruption. The man grudgingly closed his mouth again and waited silently. "Aya-- you were only showing concern for me when I-- caused this." Ken looked guiltily at the bandaged right arm. "I want you to know that I didn't mean to connect. I've never raised a claw against my teammate before, and for this to happen-- It was unforgivable. And I regretted it the moment it happened."

"We were stressed." Aya told him softly. His hand moved to pick up the steaming cup. "It was an accident."

"But I never apologised to you for it. And accident or no, I should." Ken could feel practically feel the wave of surprise coming from Aya as he bowed to him.

When he looked up again, Ken was gratified to see Aya take a small sip from the cup of tea. They didn't say any more to each other after that. Understanding the redhead's value for actions over words, Ken knew that Aya accepted his apology.

At the back of his mind, the brunette still fretted over the matter of what he did not do when he had first come across Youji and Aya that fateful morning. But he decided at that point that it was something he had to deal with alone. Aya was unaware of his presence then, and if there was any chance for Youji to make it up to Aya, it was better that he did not know. The older man had been properly reproachful of himself when he found out that Ken had seen them. It still chilled Ken to remember how Youji had cursed himself for accidentally fulfilling the threat to let Ken 'find' Aya tied up and helpless after he had his way with him.

What happened to Aya-- It was not a sight that Ken was going to forget, and it was not a position that he *ever* wanted to see Aya, or anyone he loved for that matter, being in again. He silently swore on it.

*~*~*~*

Yuushi grumbled under his breath at the sound of the doorbell. It felt like the Crashers stronghold had suddenly become Grand Central Station. Omi and Ken had appeared twice more that day with deliveries for Ran, and the man's room was now a veritable garden of flowers. The blonde man couldn't believe that there was space in the room to accept anymore flower arrangements. And in the middle of all this, Ran was still not talking about what he would do in the future.

Crashers had made it clear enough to him that he was welcomed to stay with them for as long as he wanted. But Yuushi knew that Ran didn't want to be a part of the Crashers missions. As much as he didn't want to accept it, Yuushi had to reluctantly acknowledge that Weiß could offer Ran what he wanted in missions. But after what happened--

The blonde man sighed as he opened the door, preparing to be met by a talking bush again. The last thing he expected to see was a tall, lanky, chestnut blonde, with dark ringed, bloodshot emerald green eyes standing empty handed before him.

"I'd like to speak with Aya, please." His words were quiet and carried with them an underlying strain that pulled at Yuushi's heartstrings despite his deep-seated anger with the man. "I'm not hiding behind flowers or gifts. I'm just here to talk."


	3. Chapter 3

/"He needed stitches."/ The blonde man's words echoed in Youji's head as he was lead up the stairs towards Aya's room.

Unbidden, flashbacks of that horrifying nightmare sprang mercilessly at him again. Throughout the day, his mind had lingered on those mental pictures, making the images worse with each incarnation. The scenes of Farfarello raping Aya had over time merged with the hateful image of his doppelganger doing the same. When noon finally rolled around, it became difficult for Youji to tell the difference. As a matter of fact, he could no longer identify Farfarello in the flashback. Even when it wasn't his mirror image, the perpetrator resembled him.

/"He needed stitches."/

It was the longest day that Youji could ever remember experiencing. Omi and Ken had been considerate to the chestnut blonde in letting him hide in the storeroom while they dealt with the flood of orders coming in for their missing colleague. They didn't say very much to him. Letting him work up his own nerve to make the trip to the Crashers' safehouse to see Aya when he was ready.

/"He needed stitches."/

An image of his last memory of Aya occupied his thoughts again. Aya's eyes-- bloodshot lavender orbs, glittering with tears and an expression of betrayal; Aya's body-- trembling from pain and shock, almost luminescent white from the moonlight shining on him from the window, with ribbons of scarlet looking almost carelessly draped over his body and thighs; Aya's katana-- shaking and trained at him, warning him to stay away.

/"He needed stitches."/

In his preoccupation, Youji almost walked into the back of the blonde man when he stopped outside a room. His host frowned at him and was about to say something to Youji as he opened the door, but the sight that beheld them when they entered stole any thought of making a comment.

Flowers of all shapes and variety filled the room, surrounding them with their sweet uplifting fragrance. And amidst this explosion of colour and beauty, Aya lay asleep on the bed. The dying rays of the setting sun streamed past the lightly billowing curtains at the window to caress his lithe body. The beams seemed to cast a magical glow about him as glittering drops of moisture, that were sprayed on the flowers, caught the shafts of light and sparkled around his still form. His red hair appeared alive with flames in the rich golden radiance that embraced him.

"Beautiful. God, he's beautiful." Youji wasn't even aware he had voiced these thoughts until the blonde beside him shot him a look.

"There's a chair somewhere there." The man growled gruffly at him as he waved towards a location on the right of the bed. "I'll be right outside, Weiß. If I hear anything suspicious--"

"I'm not going to hurt him-- again. I swear, I won't." Youji assured him as he shuffled in the indicated direction and unearthed a chair from its flowery imprisonment.

Youji waited until he heard the click of the door shutting before he reached over to touch the pale hand that rested on the bed covers. He didn't have to wait very long before Aya's eyelids started to flutter open to gaze up at him. Youji had braced himself for it, but it still hurt to see the man flinch away him when his lavender eyes focussed enough to recognise him. Though Youji was not remotely gripping the hand with any strength, Aya had not drawn away. The redhead had made a slight movement, and he could have easily accomplished it if he wanted to, but he didn't effect the removal of his hand.

They stayed gazing at each other in silence for a long while. It wasn't the first time that Youji wished he could read Aya's mind. There were times when he really hated the redhead's penchant for silence. He didn't know how to deal with it. He longed for Aya to just tell him what he felt or wanted... Longed for him to stop trying to push them all away.

"What do you want, Youji?"

The question almost startled him. Making him unable to think for a moment as the silence between them was broken. "Sorry."

Aya jerked his face away from Youji at the word. He almost pulled his hand out of Youji's grip, but this time Youji held on fast, determined not to be ignored.

"Aya-- I-- I am sorry for what happened that night." Youji chewed on his lip as he stared at the back of Aya's head. "I was angry-- frustrated-- over that mission. And I took it out on you. I didn't think-- I'm sorry for what happened."

The pale figure still didn't look at him. "Aya-- I-- I'm asking-- I want to make it up to you. Please let me. Please-- tell me what I need to do. I-- don't want-- I-- Aya--?"

The silence stretched between them again. Youji lifted the hand to gently press his lips to it. He just waited. He was determined to sit there and wait for a response. He didn't have to wait as long as he initially thought.

"What do you want me to say, Youji?" Aya's words were almost too soft for him to catch. "I-- it-- after-- What do you want from me?"

"Aya-- this--" Youji sucked in a deep breath before he could continue. "What I want-- is-- is-- Aya-- What can I do for you? And don't tell me to go away and leave you alone, because I can't!

"I-- Kami-sama sometimes, you make me so-- fed up I wonder why I care at all-- But I do, Aya-- I do care."

A snort of disbelief escaped Aya's lips at that statement making Youji growl at the doubt shown. "You-- that night. All you wanted--"

Shame suffused Youji again at the thoughts he had had before Aya spoke. "I wasn't thinking Aya. I wanted-- I wanted to--"

"You wanted to break me--" The deep voice intoned mercilessly. "Flaunt your control of the situation. I-- didn't realise you hated me that much."

"Aya-- It wasn't you... not exactly. But it-- It's still no excuse for wha--"

"It. Was. Not. Rape."

"Bull." Youji's temper rose at the denial that came from Aya's lips. "I tied you up for real *without* your consent. You agreed to play only under coercion. And-- it stopped being a game when-- when I ignored your use of the safe word. I broke the implicit trust we had in our games...

"Aya-- I'm sorry for letting that happen..."

*~*~*~*

"You've had an unusually profitable day." Manx observed as she glanced at the almost denuded displays in surprise when she walked into the Koneko no Sumu Ie just before closing time.

Ken gave her a wry grin as he sat at the till to count the takings. "Our new recruit was more popular than we imagined. As soon as the girls heard that he was-- sick... well most of the arrangements we made today went to him."

Manx put her hands on her hips and turned to glare at Omi. "You hacked into the Kritiker database again?!"

Omi nonchalantly continued to sweep the floor. "Weiß takes care of its own, Manx-kun. We, of course, wanted to check that Aya-kun was all right ourselves."

"Oh? Is Aya returning to Weiß then?"

Both men were silent at this. "He--" Omi sighed deeply before he continued. "He hasn't said yet."

"Youji's just left to see him."

"I see." Manx studied the tensed figures trying to relax again before her. Remembering the wire marks that Knight had shown her, she could guess that the meeting that was taking place right now probably wasn't very pleasant. After the discussion she had had with Crashers the previous day, she knew he wasn't exactly the team's favourite person right now. But even with what she knew, Manx did sincerely hope that Youji made it out alive.

*~*~*~*

Youji sat quietly waiting. They had lapsed into a long silence once more with Youji's last words to him. He wished that Aya would speak or even look at him again. Not knowing what else he could say, the chestnut blonde had little desire to break the silence.

"Do you hate me?" The question was so quiet Youji almost missed hearing it. He startled at the revelation he was making with this encounter. Previously, he would push hard to get Aya to talk to him, to try and get a response from him. But now, Youji realised that Aya was talking to him, possibly more than he had ever been able to get him to before. Was this how he had to treat Aya then? Use the silence to draw him out? He tucked that observation away in his mind as he focussed his attention on the question.

"I-- no, Aya. I don't hate you. You may frustrate me at times. Annoy me... Probably no more than I annoy you too. But I don't hate you."

Youji could sense the question that lay open between them. Why then? Why had he hurt Aya so cruelly? Was there even a reason?

"Was it just-- control issues?"

The snort escaped him before he could stop it. "You're talking like it's some sort of mission debriefing."

"And I need to understand!" Aya turned back to look at him now, his amethyst gaze reflecting his anger and confusion. "How-- Why I should trust you again?"

Youji couldn't meet his eyes. He stared down at where his hand was still holding Aya's. His thumb stroked the back of Aya's knuckles absently as he tried to think of a response. "Aya-- I-- What do I have to do? Please-- I-- I want-- to earn that trust again. What do I have to do?"

Aya's eyes unfocussed for a split second, and Youji could feel him trembling despite his best efforts to control his body's reactions. The chestnut blonde could only guess that Aya had a brief flashback. The redhead once more looked away, his voice shaky, "Why, Youji? I need to understand why?"

/"He needed stitches."/ The blonde's words echoed in Youji's mind again. The image of the rape smacked him between the eyes once more, forcing Youji to reflect on the violence he had met on the bound and helpless man. Why? He wasn't sure he understood what had happened himself.

*~*~*~*

Yuushi almost jumped out of his skin when a hand clamp down on his shoulder. Turning to look at the owner of the hand, he found himself staring up at an unsmiling Masato.

"You have to let go at some time, you know?"

"Wha--"

"Ran. You have to let him go." The older man firmly pulled Yuushi away from the door to Ran's room and steered him towards the living room. "Can't you understand it now? He was as much chafing at the bit to leave our 'protection' as he was to pursue his vengeance on Takatori."

"I don't get you." The blonde man glared his friend and lover as he was pushed towards a chair.

"We have too great a tendency to smother Ran with our attention. He can't deal with that." Masato pointed out as he took the seat facing Yuushi.

"We do not!"

The older man raised an eyebrow at him without comment. Yuushi flushed in guilt, he knew the man well enough to guess what Masato was thinking of. "Oh, come on. We have just cause to be worried about him, you know? He hasn't been able to hold down any solid foods since he arrived. He can't even handle plain water! It's a small mercy that he can drink tea and isotonic drinks, or he'd be dehydrated too."

"Yuushi, you don't have to rant to me. I *know*. But it still doesn't give us the right to fuss over him like he is an invalid."

"Isn't he--"

"Ran's too proud for that, and you know it." Masato pushed Yuushi back into his seat quite aware that the man probably hadn't realised that he was starting to stand. "He appreciates due consideration, but the man hates being babied, remember?"

"Yeah--" Yuushi had to concede that point. "He's stubborn like that."

"If he wants to go back to Weiß, we have to respect that, you know?"

"Why would he--?"

"Because that's his place. Like it or not, Yuushi, Weiß is what Ran needs."

"After what that bastard--"

"You let him in to see Ran. Wasn't there something that you saw in him to make you trust him?"

Yuushi cooled down as he thought about the encounter. "He regrets it."

"Yeah, I thought as much." Masato nodded in agreement. "I was across the hall when you brought him up and I could still feel that emotion radiating off him. What happened that night-- shouldn't have..."

"What guarantee do we have it won't happen again?"

"Yuushi, we can give him a second chance but watch him. If he ever-- so much as raise a bruise on Ran again... I promise you, we will step in." Masato locked eyes with his lover and friend, his expression showing his grim determination to keep his word. "But until that happens, we have to leave Ran to decide what he wants to do."

*~*~*~*

Aya tried desperately to push down his memories. With Youji in the same room as him, the flashbacks became especially hard to control.

It still stunned him to remember the course of that night. He had been caught totally by surprise to feel Youji drive himself into him dry, without giving a consideration to stretch him. The saliva slicked knife handle could hardly have counted. The pain had been unbearable. He thought that the other man was determined to split him in two. Youji hadn't even thought to wait, or let him adjust to having his member inside, but immediately started a ferocious rhythm of impalement and withdrawal. The tearing inside was not unexpected. But his blood offered a poor lubricant that made hardly a difference to the searing friction.

Aya had tried to endure, but the agony exploding in him proved to be too much. So he used the safe word. He broke down to cry it out at the man, but the punishment didn't stop. He had tried it again and again, desperate to end the torture. But Youji didn't stop. And before long the pain started to numb all his senses.

He lost track of time. Was hardly conscious of Youji's final thrust and subsequent withdrawal. Coming to minutes later, (or was it hours, he couldn't be sure) to find himself alone, still blindfolded, and bound to the grating. He had felt so battered and abused that a soft sob escaped him before he could catch it. The memory of the older man's threat to leave him hanging there for Ken to find, after he had had his way with him, brought forth a torrent of tears that he couldn't hold back. Youji hadn't carried out the threat, but for a span of minutes, Aya had actually believed that he would do that to him. And the sobs of pain and humiliation had come hitching from his chest out of control.

He couldn't stop thinking about it. Aya could feel the bile gather in his throat seeking to make him vomit once more, but he held it down. He had already emptied his stomach hours earlier with the last series of flashbacks before falling into an exhausted sleep. There was nothing left in his stomach to throw up. He was just so tired.

"Maybe--" Youji's voice intruded in his thoughts. In his preoccupation, he had almost forgotten that the man was still seated beside his bed with a hand over his. "Thinking about it now... It-- wasn't you, Aya. I-- you were a convenient target. I-- I was-- The mission-- you and Ken left me with the crucified kids-- to try and get them down. I couldn't-- I tried, but I couldn't. I couldn't-- I couldn't get the nails out-- I-- had to leave them-- hanging there.

"I needed-- wanted to-- wanted to hurt somebody for that-- for-- for what was done to those kids-- And you came back-- without Ken-- and you pushed me away-- when I-- when I just wanted to check that gash he gave you-- And I-- I lost it-- I turned all my anger and-- and frustration on you--

"It wasn't me-- it wasn't you-- I wasn't thinking that night, Aya. I didn't think. Didn't-- wasn't--"

Aya took a deep breath and let it out again before he turned to look at Youji. He looked into the emerald green eyes and found himself almost startled to see the stark fear residing there.

"I've never hurt-- or-- I'm not like-- Farfarello, Aya. I really am not-- I don't know what came over me."

/Farfarello?/ Confusion coloured his thoughts as to why Youji would mention the Schwartz Irishman. And in that moment he suddenly understood the connection that the older man had drawn. He could see that Youji was as frightened of himself for what he had done, as Aya had been of him.

Aya turned the hand that rested under Youji's upwards to hold his fingers gently. "Forget it, Youji." He wanted to put the events of that night out of his mind.

"I can't forget, Aya." Youji curled his fingers around Aya's and rubbed a thumb over his little finger. "I-- do you hate me?"

Aya studied the chestnut blonde sitting on the chair beside his bed. Despite what Youji had done to him... "No, I don''t hate you, Youji."

"But you don't trust me anymore."

The redhead closed his eyes, trying to block out the flashback. He swallowed hard, willing his roiling stomach not to send him into a convulsion of dry heaves. He felt too tired to want to do that right now.

"Aya-- I-- I don't think-- I can stand not having that trust."

*~*~*~*

"Bondage games?"

Ken squirmed, while Omi blushed at Manx's incredulous expression. The two had realised that they couldn't ignore Kritiker in the equation. Their sponsors had to be told what had happened after the mission, but they didn't have to know everything. They knew Manx and Birman were making suppositions on their own, but without supporting evidence, it wouldn't get into their reports. So Omi offered what he hoped was a snippet of truth that would make up a large enough smoke screen to the actual activities that night.

"Didn't think they had it in them, heh?" Ken chuckled even as he turned bright red at the thought.

"Youji and Aya? I knew-- I suspected they were-- that they-- bondage games?" Manx was floored. The two men could see a blush slowly colouring her cheeks. "Oh my--"

Inwardly, Omi had to bitterly consider how less 'fun' the whole idea had become for them, when they knew that a game had gone so horribly wrong for their friends. But for Kritiker, and Manx at the least, it sounded like a wicked, delicious notion that they'd blushingly cover up, and might even strike from their records as irrelevant to the mission.

Manx's face had become as crimson as her hair, making Omi wonder what kind of mental images she was conjuring for herself. He suddenly came up with a vision himself. Of his pale, stoic colleague, lying naked and handcuffed on Youji's bed... He could feel his face burning.

Omi shook himself out of the daydream to look at Ken. The man's face was equally red. But Omi could see a subtle tightness in the set of his jaw, which did not suggest to him that the brunette was having equally lecherous thoughts. Of all of the uninvolved parties, Ken was the only one to see the result of the game that night. And remembering the guilt and self-loathing Youji expressed to them that morning, Omi could guess that it wasn't pretty.

Hearing a cough, their attention turned back to Manx who was still trying to hide a fierce blush. The expression on her face though, had become harsh once more. "They had an-- 'incident' then? Did-- did Youji hurt Aya?"

"He--"

Omi's plans crushed into the dirt at Manx's following words. "I saw him, Omi. Crashers were-- they were very protective of Aya. As if-- as if-- They wouldn't say, but I got the impression that Aya was badly hurt."

"It-- it's none of our business, isn't it?" Ken told her quietly. "Youji's gone to talk with him. It's for them to resolve."

Manx opened her mouth to retort, but thought better of it. It was true. It would have to be Aya's decision whether or not he wanted to continue to work with Weiß, or with Youji for that matter. From the hopeful expectant vibes she was getting from the pair, she could guess that they had already come to an understanding with Youji and made their peace with Aya. Now they could only wait for Youji and Aya to reconcile, if that was possible.

"Manx-kun... about that report?"

She looked at Omi sympathetically. "If Aya comes back, I can strike it off the records. If he doesn't-- I'll-- I'll write it off as personality conflicts. I can do that much for him."

Omi nodded in thanks. He could guess that the 'him' she was referring to wasn't Youji. If Aya didn't come back... he wasn't sure how much longer Youji would be able to stand to remain in Weiß as well.

"He regrets it, Manx." Ken's soft words carried to them, drawing their attention to him. "I do feel that he genuinely regrets it."

"And I think we know Aya enough to understand his distrust of just words." Manx shook her head sadly as she turned to leave. "He has to prove it to Aya. And right now, do we even know how it's possible to make up for something like that?"

*~*~*~*

They stayed silent for a long time, at loss with what to do next. As far as Youji understood it, Aya was willing to forget about what happened between them that night. But forgiveness was-- he couldn't ask for it-- an act like that was beyond forgiveness. So what now? He felt disinclined to speak, and wasn't surprised that Aya felt likewise. The older man had to wonder how long they could wait like this.

Youji looked up and he felt his eyebrow twitch to find out that Aya had fallen asleep on him. A wry grin pulled on his lips to note the gentle rise and fall of the redhead's chest as he slumbered peacefully. He did notice that Aya had looked exhausted when he first entered the room. Youji could guess that it wasn't just the result of blood loss and the-- injuries. He very much doubted that Aya had been sleeping well. But he seemed to be all right at the moment. Youji didn't have many opportunities to watch Aya sleep. At the many times they had sex, Aya had always got up quickly after that, refusing to stay for a cuddle. It annoyed him. In truth, Youji would like nothing better than to have him stay and wake up beside him in the morning.

Looking at Aya now... Seeing how unguarded and serene he looked in his sleep... Youji wanted to kiss him. He wasn't even aware that he had been moving to do just that until Aya stirred at his proximity to mumble to him, "I'll taste of vomit." The younger man pulled back groggily and tried to turn his face away.

"And I was chain-smoking the whole day. I'll taste of nicotine and cigarettes." Youji gripped his chin to gently turn his face back. Gifting him with a weak shadow of his usual smirk, but a smirk nonetheless. "Which is worse?"

He leaned closer to press his closed lips against Aya's in a sweet, chaste kiss. To his delight, Youji felt the light suction that told him Aya was kissing him back. He lingered there, feeling his and Aya's breath mingle and ghost over their upper lips.

A trembling hand spread its fingers over his chest, prompting Youji to quickly break the kiss and lean back to look down at Aya. To his surprise, Youji found himself met with an expression of confusion, and not wariness or fear.

"Aya? Are you all right about this?"

Fingers curled over his shirt, making Youji wonder what kind of conflict Aya was going through in his mind. This was a different viewpoint with each other. Their previous encounters were always heated, passionate affairs. Sometimes-- most times bondage play where he would be the aggressor; Sex with rules and demands, and dominance theatrics. All ultimately empty posturing and meaningless efforts.

This felt different-- and good.

The fingers of Aya's hand sprayed out again and the hand against his chest became firmer. "No. No attachments."

/Attachments? Is that what Aya's been wanting to avoid all this time?/ "Why not?" Youji challenged him. "Why the hell not? The world's already sucked away any other normality and joy in our lives. Why aren't we allowed find comfort and affection when we can?"

"I've already lost one team, Youji." Aya gritted his teeth as he tried to look away.

"And you'll let it make you run from ever finding a connection with another person?" Youji turned his face back to make him meet his eyes. "Is-- is that why we play these games? Why you never want to stay with me once the sex is over?"

"It's just a form of stress relief."

"But it can be much more, Aya. It can mean something and be a lot more satisfying for both of us, if we stop playing games."

"I already lost one team!"

"And you think that you can avoid the hurt again by pushing everyone away? Have you ever wished that you'd never got to know the people on that team, or regret ever loving them?"

Aya looked down, his answer almost too soft for Youji to pick up. "No."

"Then stop pushing us away, Aya. Will you-- Will you let me--"

"It--" Aya's lavender eyes were lit in confused anger now. "You want me to give--"

"No." Youji caught on quickly. In their games, there had always been an element of force in them. That dangerous taste of fear and helplessness, that was both revolting and intoxicating. "Not willing submission, Aya. Your taking-- accepting what I want to give to you. There's no force in this. Equals, Aya. We'll be equals."

Aya stared at him silently.

"Aya, I don't want to play games anymore. You cannot trust-- After what happened, I can't trust myself with these games. I did something I never thought myself capable of, and I hurt you. I can't forgive myself for that." Youji told him softly as he took both of Aya's hands in his. "I've never-- I wasn't thinking. You were helpless and I used you. I vented my anger and frustration on you when you were unable to fight back. It-- made me no better than Farfarello. It made me no better than the monsters who crucified those children."

"What are you asking for, Youji?"

"That you let me-- the sex isn't important, Aya. No more games. I can't-- you shouldn't-- I just want you to let me--" He couldn't articulate it. The older man couldn't even be certain if Aya would let him use the word 'love' with him. Taking a deep breath, he took action instead. Moving slowly so that Aya could see what he was doing. Giving the redhead a chance to pull away if he really wanted to.

True to form, Aya had shown some slight resistance, but he wasn't seriously trying to draw away from him. Youji found that he could easily manoeuvre himself on the bed and carefully slide Aya onto his lap, mindful all the while of his injury. It felt so much easier and comfortable to be gentle.

Youji let one arm curl possessively around Aya's waist as the other slip over the redhead's thighs to help him properly seat the younger man against him. He could feel the tension leaving Aya's body muscle by muscle as he slowly relaxed after Youji tucked his head under his chin. It felt so good.

Unbidden, Youji experienced another flashback of the rape. It brought tears to his eyes to remember the cruelty he exhibited then, when what he really wanted was-- this. Having Aya resting in his arms... No meaningless theatrics... No use of mock force... No fear... Youji never wanted to play those games again.

*~*~*~*

"How long have they been talking?" Birman stirred her tea in agitation as she looked towards the stairs. Her mood was pretty much reflective of the people currently crowded into the living room of the Crashers' safehouse.

Manx, Birman and the other half of Weiß couldn't sit passively and wait any longer. So Crashers found themselves suddenly host to far more people than they had ever had before in their home.

"Can't we just--?" Ken started before Masato stared him down.

"Masato, be fair. It's been *hours*." Naru whined at him as he listlessly played with his teaspoon. "We could just listen at the door for a moment. Just check on them, you know?"

"There hasn't been any shouting or-- Well--" Yuushi started guiltily before pinking at Masato's glare. "I'm not being overprotective!"

Manx was on the cell phone with Persia, telling the man for the umpteenth time that they still didn't know what was happening. Reiichi's cat was again staring at her socks with fascination as she absently swung her foot in front of it with some small amusement. She didn't appear to mind that the little animal occasionally reaching out a paw to bat at her foot. Still, the owner of the cat kept one eye on his pet, while he distractedly broke a cookie that he had placed on his plate into tiny little pieces.

"It has been a rather long time." Reiichi sighed.

"This is ridiculous." Queen finally came to her feet and strode determinedly towards the stairs. "A quick listen *isn't* going to hurt."

Omi quickly gulped down his soda to empty the glass and hurried after her. Proffering the cup as they climbed the stairs.

*~*~*~*

Aya let himself be settled within the encirclement of Youji's arms. Allowing the taller man to lean his chin on his hair. He was almost surprise that he felt no fear and did not experience any flashbacks in the process. It was-- comforting.

He could sense a small part of his mind rebelling at this 'weakness', telling him that it was dangerous to accept this luxury. But he no longer cared to listen to the demanding voice that kept him solitary and lonely for the last six months. He was tired. And what Youji was offering did feel so much more fulfilling than empty passionate sex. If he thought about it, he didn't really mind doing just this with Youji, anymore than he minded Yuushi and Masato offering him the same security.

/Well-- just as long as Youji doesn't become an overprotective annoyance like the two men could be./ He hastily qualified that thought to himself.

He didn't need protection. He could stand on his own well enough. But it was-- restful to accept what Youji was offering. So why was he considering even fighting it? To escape the guilt that he felt to have this need? To deny the ache in him that missed the gentle warmth that he once shared with Yuushi and Masato?

Aya thought that pure games would keep him from 'wanting'. He thought he could convince himself that it was all about sex. And that he had enough with the games he played with Youji. But... it was empty. And sometimes, the games' only accomplishment was to make the ache in him feel worse.

With what Youji was now offering... It left him wondering why he would want to reject this easing of the hunger inside him. It felt-- comfortable. So long as he could trust Youji's offer, after what had happened--

A trickle of something wet seeped into his hair. Aya, with no small surprise, realised that it was tears. He didn't say anything to that. Instead, Aya moved an arm to rest it around the limb that hugged him about the waist. He felt Youji give him a brief tighter hug for his acceptance, but neither spoke. There was no need for words between them. Aya closed his eyes and allowed himself to rest in the warm embrace. He still wasn't quite sure what this new status quo would mean for them, but for now this was enough.

*~*~*~*

"Well?" Masato whispered to Queen as she leaned on the cup against the door. "What's happening inside?"

Yuushi held down his snort of laughter at Masato's insistent question. For someone who a moment ago was so determined to give Youji and Ran some privacy, he certainly changed his tune quickly once Queen lead the procession to the guestroom's door.

"Nothing. They aren't saying anything." Queen was frowning as she strained to listen.

"Let me try." Omi quickly switched positions with the reluctant woman and pressed his ear against the back of the cup. "I can't hear anything."

"What's going on in there?" Ken whispered urgently from behind the crowd.

"Oh for-- Why don't we just knock?" Birman was getting impatient as she glared at the crowd. "They're trained assassins, they must know there's a whole crowd of us outside the door by now."

"Point." Reiichi stood upright and turned to Omi. "Would you like the honours?"

Omi's eyes widened slightly, but curiosity couldn't make him wait any longer. He raised his knuckles to knock lightly on the door. "Aya-kun? Youji-kun? Is everything all right in there?"

Yuushi slapped his hand over his eyes. "They're not going to hear that, if you're talking so softly. R--"

Masato's hand had clamped over Yuushi's mouth before he could raise his voice in a shout. He gave Yuushi a side long glare before whispering to the Weiß blonde. "You knocked. Just open it carefully and take a peek."

As a group, they jumped to hear the loud click of the lock as Omi twisted the doorknob. Still hearing nothing discouraging from within, the young blonde carefully pushed the door open and peered around the edge.

"Awww."

"What? What?" Naru was fairly bouncing behind them right now.

"This is so-- I'm going to push the door open. It looks like they've fallen asleep."

A wave of freshly scent flowers wafted over them as the door opened wider and an almost magical sight soon greeted the crowd. Moonlight shone into the room past lightly billowing curtains to undulate upon the moisture spackled petals of flowers and bouquets surrounding the bed. In their sparkling midst, lay a fast asleep Youji, back leaning against the headboard, with his arms curled protectively and possessively around the waist and thighs of an equally slumbering redhead. The younger man was himself seated in the man's lap, snuggled against his chest, with an arm resting lightly over the limb that was around his waist.

No one in the crowd felt a need to break the poignant silence that fell over them. Carefully closing the door again, the group turned to tiptoe down the stairs ready to disperse for the night.

"You think--" Yuushi swallowed hard against the tears that threatened to well up in his eyes at the memory of that sweet scene. "Do you think that Ran's finally found his someone?"

"We'll have to wait and see, won't we?" Masato's arms slipped around his lover's waist as they stood at the head of the stairs and stared back towards the door of Ran's room. "They do look contented together."

"Just no more games between them, I guess."

"They don't need any."

~owari~


End file.
